November 12, 2020

Establish Your Relationship Priorities-Self-Esteem

Without a family, man, alone inn the world, trembles with a cold.

-Andre Maurois

I sat there in awe, listening attentively as Faith told her story with such bravery.

(I must confess, I have this habit of wanting to help my friends, it is just a thing. I had to ask my mentor whether it was normal thing. He then told me that he also helps anyone that needs it regardless of their relationship. At first, I used to be that person that dishes out advice without even asking permission, then I learnt to respect boundaries and the friendship first. We come along way, don’t we? In coaching it is best too leave family and friends out)

“I got to her house after years of missing her so much, my sister, my best friend.


 She knew how much I loved her, I thought I knew how much she loved me too. To me, sisters love and care for each other. Period.

My best friend had a newly furnished modern house, she had never worked, her husband didn’t work either, not for years and yet they had kids and lived a lavish lifestyle. I wasn’t jealous, I don’t think I was, but I came to a realisation. Sighs!

I pictured my life as a diaspora and that is when it hit me. I silently cried so much that night in her house. After that something within my core instantly changed.

You see back then I lived a modest life. I had sacrificed so much including pursuing my education for others. I lived on just the basics, literally bare necessities. Never went anywhere. After years of saving and loans I decided to give my family a big beautiful surprise visit. Only the surprise was on me’’ She then laughed.

I watched her keenly observing all her movements, trying to pick all those subtle messages from her body language. I would conclude that she looked like someone who was at peace with her current life, and herself. I guess what I was observing is whether she harbours any negativity or resentment of some sorts.

Faith like many others had heard about my video on how I got fleeced and so she decided to share her own story. Like cliche would have it, this was not her only rodeo, she had also been conned severally trying to purchase properties back in her home town.Not todays story.

“My understanding is that my best friend decided against going to University as she had wanted, she instead had decided to take the easy life of relying on my handouts. As I was on holiday I decided to let it go. So what hurt me the most was whilst I stayed at hers, I paid for everything including the food and all the transports to the places we visited for the whole family plus more. Money was running out fast and she knew. That was still ok, we were having fun. One fine day we argued over something so petty that escalated so fast, from 0 to 100 in seconds. She proceeded to shouted at me in front of her kids like I was a nobody, past wrongs got mentioned, she was carrying so much bitterness in her, and at no point was she remorseful for what she had done to me, too cut the long story short I have never received any apologies from her for my wasted cash. Am I waiting? No. I decided to look after myself and always think of me and my needs first. Helping is good but not if detrimental.

My obsession isn’t just to share painful stories from amazing people but to learn from them.

Have you heard people joke about how families would be perfect without any other members? It is easy to joke about it especially when they are driving you crazy and you are only trying to use humour to cope.

We need each other. Ubuntu- I am because we are.

Most precious and memorable moments come from being around people we love, however annoying they might be at times.

Love is the greatest gift of all, it gives us all the bittersweet challenges.

“Love is of God”

Create a relationship with yourself.

The only constant in all your relationships, the once you have and ever will have is, YOU. In all those arguments, fleecing whatnots with friends, with families, workmates, the only repetitive thing is your presence in them. YOU. Hard to accept right?

That is why it is very important to work on yourself. No-one else will always be there for you but yourself, even your children will grow up and your relationship with them will change. Everything changes expect change itself.

Build yourself esteem. When you love and respect yourself enough, and when you have self-confidence, then you will have boundaries put in place that people will respect and honour. Learn to feel secure in your place in the world, how you interact with the world, how you face challenges even in the toughest of times. 

  • Live a conscious life-Beware that your thoughts affect your surroundings. They affect how you interact with others and can influence how people treat you. Live a healthy life, your health is your wealth.
  • Work on self-development-Develop your self-acceptance, self-responsibility, and self-assertiveness. Understand you will experience setbacks and that is okay, forgive yourself, be accountable of your own actions, express yourself effectively. No-one has control over other people’s actions.
  • Understand your values and live in alignment with them-Your values affect your choice of work, your home life and relationships you keep.
  • Nurture family boundsStop blaming others for ruining your day or your life. Devise strategies to defuse disagreements and conflicts. Set firm boundaries they will love you more not less.


  • When we sacrifice to give to others then what we are in fact doing is telling the universe we don’t have enough. You are sending the wrong message, a message of lack. 
  • It can be extremely difficult to attract the success we seek without friends and family, if you don’t have any go out and create your own, go and find your people.
  • The more successful we become the more help we need.
  • It is ok to end toxic hopeless relationships that drain you.



©nicollehanselmann 2020

Photo by mentatdgt from Pexels


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  1. Mary Ndirangu
    20 November, 2020

    Hey Nicolle I like your article…wanted to know if there is a way to identify those friends energy draining “vampires?”

    • Nicolle Hanselmann
      27 November, 2020

      Yes, indeed. Most you feel the effect immediately, when you are away from them you are totally energised. They use a lot of negative words, remind you of your past, how you can’t do somethings etc they are always on the negative spectrum. Very nice question.

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